One Liner

Jan. 23rd, 2012 10:50 pm
atgunpoint: (Default)
One liners that would fit on Shirts worn by my family:

Dad:
• Save Time. See It My Way
• I Don't Know. I Don't Care. That's Why They Put Me In Charge
• The Computer Revolution Is Over. The Computers WON
• I Left The Golf Course ... FOR THIS?
• I Don't Have Stress. I'm Just A Carrier
• What I Really Need Are Minions
• I'm Willing To Admit You're Wrong
• I Never Make Mistakes. Once I Thought I Did. But I Was Mistaken
• I'm Not Bossy, I Just know What You Should Be Doing
• Mom's Not Happy? Dial 1-800-GRANDPA!

Mom:
• Life Is A Circus And I'm Stuck In The Freak Tent
• My Life May Be Weird But At Least It's Not Boring
• That Annoying Ringtone? It's Mine
• I Owe It All To My Boss. Ulcers, Nausea, Paranoia ...
• Have YOU Seen My Car Keys?
• 'Normal' Is A Setting On My Washing Machine!
• Grandchildren Are Your Best Revenge

Philipp:
• A Team Effort Is A Lot Of People Doing What I Say
• All Around Me, I See Nothing But Panic, Chaos And Disorder. At Last My Work Here Is Done
• What I Really Need Are Minions
• Fashion Can Be Bought. Style One Must Possess
• Brilliant, Beautiful & One Of A Kind
• Here I Am! Now What Are Your Other Two Wishes?
• I'm Not Vain. I Always Look This Good
• Some People Say That I Have A.D.D. That's Really Not ... Ooooooh, Shiny!
• Can We Declare A Snow Day?
• I Deserve The Absolute Best Of Everything

Christoph: 
• My Job Drives Me To Drink. If It Wasn't For That I'D QUIT!
• My Therapist Says I'm In Denial. As If That Could Ever Happen
• Do Not Disturb. Occupant Is Disturbed Enough Already
• Friends Let You Hide At Their Place. Real Friends Let You Hide BODIES
• Please Remind Wearer How Much He Loves This Job. I KEEP FORGETTING!!!
• I'm Not Always Late. Sometimes I Just Don't Show Up
• I Try To Live In The Moment. Any Moment But This
• Damn Right I'm Good In Bed! I Can Sleep For Days
• "Not A Morning Person" Does Not Even Begin To Describe It

Me:
• I Didn't Say It Was Your FAULT. I Said I Was Going To BLAME You
• Vegetables Are Not Food. Vegetables Are What Food Eats
• I'm Not A Pessimist. I'm An Optimist With Experience.
• Yes, I've Heard Of "Decaf." What's Your Point?
• It's A Control Freak Thing. I Won't Let You Understand
• I'm Not A Control Freak. Just An Intense Analyst
• Professional Critic
• Some People Are Alive Only Because It's Illegal To Kill Them
• The Cynicism Is Free But I Charge For The Sarcasm
• You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Care To Start Right About Now?
• And Your Point Is…?
• Instant Human, Just Add Coffee
• Save Time. See It My Way
• They Say I Have A.D.D., But They Just Don't Understand ... Hey, Look! A Chicken!
• My Inner Child Wants Some Chocolate NOW!
• Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
• Don't Blame Yourself. Let Me Do It.

John:
• I Can Only Please One Person Per Day. Today Is Not Your Day. Tomorrow Isn't Looking Good Either.
• If You Believe You Can Tell Me What To Think, I Believe I Can Tell You Where To Go
• I Work For The Fun Of It. It Sure Ain't For The Pay!
• Celebrate Life With KETCHUP

Laura and Liam
• Keep Staring At Me. I Might Do A Trick.
• The Boss Likes ME Best
• Yes, It IS Always About Me
• No Need To Yell, I Still Won't Listen
• I Deserve The Absolute Best Of Everything

One liner that would be perfect for Shirts worn by my BFF!

  • Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • Some People Are Alive Only Because It's Illegal To Kill Them
  • People Like You Are The Reason People Like Me Need Medication
  • I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  • If you can't convince them, confuse them.
  • I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
  • If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
  • Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? (My favorite!!! You should wear that one while you're working!)
  • The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.
  • I Don't Know What Your Problem Is, But I'll Bet It's Hard To Pronounce
  • Caution: I'm Busy Formulating A Withering Retort
  • All Right, Who Put The Morning People In Charge?
  • Short People Have Feelings Too
  • My Inner Child Wants Some Chocolate NOW!

Hey DBF,
you have to admit, I am really nice to you. Aren't I?

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